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HeroQuest
Quotes from the Epic Tales of...

"Sauron, Waffle and Associates"

Meet the Stars

"The Stupid Elf lost me my Borin's Armour! I'ad to run around half-naked defendin' like that weak sissy Wizard. Least I can still fight! XD"

"I got me a shiny new ring today! This one be made of Onyx... don't know what it does yet, though."

~Gaav

"I did these all by myself"

"I get the 'Makes Me Smart' and 'More Meaty Thing'."

"Find the Elven Moonshine and save the Princess Zelda!"

"Elf needed here to find Hazards. Got Elf death twice!"

"Barbarian should be Game Master, rolled many black shields."

I got hurt bad, but the pretty Wizard didn't mind... I did good! n.n"

~Gourry

"Stupid, stupid Dwarves."

"What has two legs and no brains? No, it's not Crap the Orc, it's the Barbarian!"

"Sauron has a mighty big ego, huh Gaav, Gaav? Oh never mind... Stupid Barbarian..."

"Sir Waffle, who is greater than the cursed Barbarian and the rock head Dwarf!"

"Champions, we're Champions! We can destroy all! We're SeeDs!"

"Always keep Dwarves in front!"

"Death to Morcrap the Gay Master!"

"Note to Party - Don't fight Vadim Goffel... he's a ghost."

"Da, da, da, da... Oh, what was that Mentor? Oh, never mind, I'm sure we'll figure it out as we go along..."

"Crossbows are fun!"

"Orcs smell bad! ...So do Dwarves!"

"The Waffle Tactic: Slash and run. I taught the Wizard good!"

"Never trust the Dwarves!"

"Ha, ha! Made them do all the work!"

"I wonder if the Spirit Blade works on Dwarves.."

"Take a bath, Gaav!"

"All praise the Mighty Spirit Blade of Smiting!"

"I slaughtered Thirty-six Orcs today! I deserve a raise!"

"Ha, Ha, killed ALL my friends... including the Dwarf!"

"Heeere Stubby, Stubby, Stubby, Stubby."

"Stupid Barbarian, that was my Fimir! I whack you with my Shortsword. You smell as bad as the Orcs; it should work on you."

"$100 = 10 Goblins = 5 Orcs = 3 Fimir + 1 Goblin = 2 Chaos Warriors"

"Stupid Olar and his fool's gold. Well, I'll show him who's the fool! Come here Gaav!"

"Life got a little better; today I killed the Barbarian and the Wizard. I deserve a raise!"

"I am Waffle, see me prance! ...I pranced over the pit!"

"We failed! Bye bye, King Steve!"

"That's it, throw him in the pit!"

"...And Waffle, standing in front of the great Chaos Warrior of Doom, did swing his Almighty Spirit Blade of Champions. The Chaos Warrior did stumble. He was smoten. The people did rejoiceth..."

"We lost our crossbows. How, you ask? Because SOMEONE (I'm gonna pretend it wasn't me) had to open the crypt. Now let me tell you, when someone askses you if you want to search a crypt, you should probably ask yourself one question: Do crypts ever have anything good in them? No. They do not."

"All praise the Mighty Spirit Blade of Smiting. Tell me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!"

"So there we were, in the 'Great' Citadel of the Dwarves (and let me tell you, Dwarves can't build at all). We had already found Grin's stupid map, and the Dwarf and the obviously (and most frighteningly) queer and stinky Barbarian wanted to leave. But I said, "That's not what Heroes do! Let's leave King Steve to his untimely death so we can search for treasure!" So we went through a whole bunch of rooms, including this locked room that guarded one pathetic crossbow (Ooh, look at me! I'm a Dwarf! I can shoot a crossbow at enemies I can't even see!) Anyways, we got to this little room, and guess who we met?! It was our old friend, Mr. MacGreg! (With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.) or so it seemed, because he didn't...fight very well (except when he rusted my precious longsword - at lesat he didn't get my ALMIGHTY SPIRIT BLADE!!!) Even without my longsword, of course, I was unbeatable, because I AM THE GREAT WAFFLE, AND I SHALL SMITE YOU ALL!!!"

"It's all Stumpy's fault!"

Waffle's Extended Inventory:

• 3 x pebbles to play marbles with
• 1 x twig of ear cleaning
• 1 x recipe for freckle juice
• 23 x poor quality weapons
• 1 x Prospector
• Several x dresses & jewellery
• 5000 x Potion of Dwarf Death

~Waffle

"HeroQuest should read,"Sauron, Waffle and Associates Quest. Because there are no Heroes here!" Yep! Cowards, cheaters, and gay Barbarians! (Don't forget the Chobes!)"

"<3 Waffle is my hero! <3"

"I killed lots today! And I was allll by myself!"

"Now is the day of reckoning, the day we kill Morcrap the Gaymaster!"

"Lord Sauron the great evil destroyer of Morcrap the Gaymaster aka Zargy!"

"Why don't I have a cool hat?"

"Ulag Smells."

"Get your own gold, Maggot!"

"My fire destroyed the gopher, heh, heh, heh.."

"I am just sooo great, uh huh!"

"Wizard's Cloak. I stole it from Crap the Orc!"

"I am the greatest Wizard ever! I am better than stinky Gaav!"

"Sir Ragnar is a one-leggeddy limpy guy."

"No one can equal the mental prowess of Sauron the Great!"

"Party Motto: Leave no door unopened!"

"All the power is mine!"

"Curse the mindless Barbarians!"

"OOo... Gaav has three mindpoints... maybe now he can think... probably not... "

"Sauron uses his powerful mind to imagine wonderful and horribly painful ways for the Barbarian to die."

"Wizard's Cloak, Wizard's Cloak, I got the Wizard's Cloak! That'll show that stupid Barbarian. Magic fun...!"

"I'm Crap the Orc Lord, I'm as smart as Stinky Ulag. I let Goblins guard the treasure."

"...Magic doesn't work on sleepy Gargoyles..."

"Duh, I'm Grak... I build castles with empty hallways... that'll stop dem dere Heroes."

"The mighty conquests of Lord Sauron the Great in the quest to murder Grimey, the leader of the queer, I mean Dark Company. (We're hand picked Se... I mean Champions!)"

*Points to Shield Icon* "That means I'm Champion (Raise Included!)"

"I really don't like that Pondscumina. Stupid female Elf, acts like she owns the party. Ooh, she's so getting a fireball to the head later... On another note, King Steve is REALLY stupid! I think he might actually be stupider than that idiot Barbarian, (who is really, really queer). They keep saying mean things about me. I am NOT, and never have been, a girl! And Waffle is NOT gay!"

"... And then Waffle said, "Hey Sauron, you want to read the cool rune book?!" And I was a little upset because he didn't call me "Lord Sauron the Magnificent" (I mean, I AM a Champion in this miserable quest with pathetic 'Heroes' (light warriors-riiight)) But, it was the Elf, and he is the only one in this quest with half a brain. And so I read the rune book, I was hoping to learn some new rare spell, or some magic to destroy that useless idiot Barbarian, and the last time we found a spell book, it was wasted on the Elf... where was I? Oh yeah, I read the book, and it was all going well - I actually thought I was getting stronger (although, I mean, I'm already the greatest sorcerer of all time, I don't really need any extra power) - but then a huge Gargoyle jumped out of the book and then guess what happened!!! [mad scoul here] IT WHACKED ME!! I guess I proved that a little knowledge certainly is a dangerous thing after all... [evil mutterings]"

*sings* "Skullmar is dea-ad! Skullmar is dea-ad! We beat Skullmar! Skullmar is dea-ad!"

"Today, I, Sauron, am braver by far than the Stumpy Dwarf. Let it be known that I did bravely step into a room filled ENTIRELY with Chaos Warriors. I then did smite the Chaos Warriors with little to no assistance from the Dwarf. They speak truly who say 'Step softly and carry a highly polished stick!'"

"Sauron's stronger than Stupid now!"

"The Epic of Sauron and the Mind's Eye:
There I stood, before the mighty door to the impenetrable vault of Xengoth. I had been sent to slay the Evil Xengoth (hereafter 'Xenny') and rescue Moggot's (Magus's) *ahem* 'Wizard', I think his name was Trampy or something, it doesn't really matter, Moggot's Wizards don't count. Bravely, I did enter the vault, swiftly dodging the spear traps at the entrance. Then, I did step into the Armoury, and discovered some excellent lightweight axes (and we all know my skill with projectiles). They were well made, probably by Elves (Dwarf weapons would have been all rusted and brittle). I collected them, and was about to venture forth again (bravely of course) when my supremely intelligent Wizard brain remembered that there is ALWAYS a second Armoury in the very best of vaults. Well, this wasn't such a great vault, but I searched anyways, and quickly found my way into the second Armoury. At first it seemed the weapons on the rack were as useless to me as soap is to a Barbarian (brains too), but then a sparkle caught my eye, and under all the dust and Goblin turds, I did discover the most beautiful sword I had ever seen. A rapier, thin, light, and finely sharpened. I lifted it, and found it fit my hand perfectly. I named it 'Narsil', and with it, I ventured forth, with more courage than I had ever had before. With it, I slew three enormous and menacing Gargoyles that did smell much better than the Barbarian in my party (of which, being naturally the smartest, I am the leader - the Elf may think he's better than me, but we all know that he's not). After discovering many scrolls (which the Barbarian wouldn't be able to read, actually, I'm surprised he knows how to dress himself - I wonder if I can command him and make him club himself with his own morningstar?) and potions, I found myself facing Trampy or whoever he was. I repeat, WAS, because he was now a Zombie, and boy did I smote him good. I chose not to rummage through his moth eaten robes, because he smelled, and made my way into the next room. There, I did find Xenny, and, after smiting his Zombie goons, and leaping over the pits, I did charge forwards and swung my glorious and trusty sword, Narsil, at him.
And then...
and then...
It shattered!!
I felt like I had lost a friend... dead before the others could even see it!! Summoning all my rage and hatred for Xenny, I did raise my Mighty Phoenix Staff! (Newly polished, of course) Xenny did fall with a mighty crash, and crumbled to dust. It was then I discovered the amazing 'Mind's Eye' medallion. I could feel the power of my mind increasing. Zargy's minions shall never control me again! I also did discover, as I moved on, a room that shone brightly with an immense hoard of gold! Hardly daring to believe my eyes, and with the stealth of a world-class thief, I collected it all before exiting the keep. And that, dear friends, is the tale of my amazing and heroic exploits, the like of which the world has never before seen, nor ever will again. Now, I must go. (I wonder if I should share the gold with my party? Maybe I can get that stone cut now...)"

Sauron's Extended Inventory:

• 1 x Boot for booting the Barbarian
• 2 x Black Shields (paid 604 gold for them!)
• 1000 x bottles of Pledge (lemon fresh for polishing weapons)

~Magnificent Lord Sauron
Destroyer of Morcrap the Gaymaster, holder of official, registered Wizard's Papers, and stuck in a quest with pathetic morons and the Elf.

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